Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
