you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
