Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
