just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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