Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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