you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
