Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
