Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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