I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
