I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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