When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
