i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
