shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
