Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
