It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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