i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I need to stop coming to work sober
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
