How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
did i just pee glitter
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
