I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
