It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
