ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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