Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
