Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
