just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
