worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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