So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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