I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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