my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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