Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
