we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
