fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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