That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
did i walk over a car last night?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
