I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
