omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
