i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
