Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
