I molested 6 butterflies tonight
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
