so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
