i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
