I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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