how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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