3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
