I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
