I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
