I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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