Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
