He is like the real live version of the state fair..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
