where am i from again
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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