my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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