weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
