Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
